like coyote ugly, except the exact opposite

originally posted: september 20, 2006
i'm going to just come out and say what nearly everyone at this school is thinking:

we be ugly; really ugly.

now i won't go as far as to say that there are no attractive people at ONU, nor am i implying that unattractive people are stupid/worthless/uncool/sterile. but seriously, northern has a near-complete absence of hotness on this campus. if you don't believe me, let's try a little experiment. think of two of your best friends in ada; if both of them are ugly, odds are...so are you.

i've developed two theories to explain the ONU phenomenon:

1. our tour guides are dorky, ugly kids. go to the schools with the hottest student populations and you'll see smoking girls that they flaunt to lure more hot students (ex: miami, UNC, etc.) that's just poor marketing of resources.
2. the second theory postulates that ONU gives a "minority" scholarship for overweight students. said scolarships only require you to be a good student and be 30+ pounds overweight. a nondiscriminating institution, ONU affords thin students the opportunity to earn this scholarship by providing an endless supply of ice cream and cookies in MacIntosh.

i smell conspiracy...is dr. baker trying to make this the ugliest school in america? thank God for good looking people, like me, to balance out all of the uglies; you should be thanking me.