Um, YEAH...that DOES hurt.

Title IX. Women's suffrage. Equal rights in the workplace. All giant strides forward towards a world where women are , rightly so, equals to men.

Now don't get me wrong; I support equal rights for women in EVERY aspect of life. Nor am I saying that women have achieved full eqality already. But let's take a step back and reconsider an inequality where men have been receiving the shorter end of the stick.

One of the biggest no-no's in the world of men is hitting a woman. It's not tollerated by social standards, and is also fiercely prosecuted by the law. I hit my little sister when I was 5 or 6 years old, and have yet to hit a woman since... if for no other reason than I'm afraid my dad will come out of the woodwork and beat my ass again if I did.

But for some unknown reason, women are allowed to hit men. If you saw a girl punch/slap/shove a guy at the mall, your first reaction would likely be, "He probably deserved it." And he probably did, but that's not the point. There have probably been a thousand scenarios where a girl deserves to get hit, but no no no no no no. See my point?

I've recently heard arguments for why girls are allowed to beat men, and I've included my counter-arguments:

• Girls don't hit hard. Ahhhhhh, yeah they do. Especially when they're mad. Imagine if she has a gun or a knife...or a screwdriver.
• Men are tough and can take it. Nobody makes me bleed my own blood. I consider myself decently tough, but I don't like to get raged on either.
• Girls are fiesty/have attitudes, and are allowed to vent. I have an attitude sometimes too, but I've still never hit anyone when I've been mad.
• She is a girl. This is probably the worst excuse I've ever heard. It's like saying Hitler was allowed to kill Jews "because he is German."

One last argument against women hitting men comes from the Ohio Revised Code:

2903.11 Felonious assault. (A) No person shall knowingly... 1) Cause serious physical harm to another.

Yeah, nothing in there that says "except for girls." Maybe all of the police officers, urban socialites, and other dense individuals (i.e. Corrigan) need to re-read that. The fact of the matter is, violence is never the appropriate course of action. It's wrong for ANYONE to strike ANYONE else.

i love the 80's

originally posted: march 27, 2007

so the picture to the left comes from the signature of one my coworker's e-mails. don't get me wrong, i think she is a really cool person, and she is one of the people i definitely enjoy working with. i've got a lot of respect her for her hard work and dedication.

however, the other day i overheard her speaking to one of her customers on the phone. the customer asomeone asked her about her little logo and where it came from the other day, and this was her response.

yeah, i drew it about 15 years ago.

read that again. It said 15 years. i couldn't stop laughing. i had to excuse myself from the office to regain my composure.

the funniest part of this comment is not that she has crazy hair, nor is it that she has a logo in ALL of her e-mails that depicts her crazy hair. no, the funniest part to me is that she has had that same crappy haircut for at least 15 years...maybe longer.

gang of midgets vs. one lion

originally posted: december 15, 2006
a coworker sent me this link to an amazing news article from the BBC, and if it's true...it could be one of the most amazing stories of the year.

http://www.fmft.net/archives/BBC_NEWS.htm

even though i find this so hard to believe, if i knew in advance that this was going to happen, how much would have i paid to watch? i'm not sure there is a price that would be out of my range. in fact, i would sell off my skis and skip my yearly trip to utah to pay for one of those tickets.

not that i morally endorse this kind of activity, but can we arrange to have this happen in our hemisphere? i could see this going down in like arkansas or kentucky. someone work on this for me, please!

gnarly line

originally posted: december 15, 2006

there's nothing really funny in this post. this one is more for my ego...

i found this great picture of the mt. baldy little chute on the alta ski area website. i was lucky enough to ski this 800 vertical foot, 60 degree incline chute when i ventured to utah last february.

this is the first picture going up the chute that i have found that gives you an idea of just how sketchy the run actually is. after finishing the run last year, rolfe turns to me and says:

when we were at the top, i was thinking "I shouldn't have brought you up here." i was thinking of ways to explain to your mom how i killed you. i was even a little sketched out.

did i ski it well? questionable. but apparently i skied it well enough to write this post!

like coyote ugly, except the exact opposite

originally posted: september 20, 2006
i'm going to just come out and say what nearly everyone at this school is thinking:

we be ugly; really ugly.

now i won't go as far as to say that there are no attractive people at ONU, nor am i implying that unattractive people are stupid/worthless/uncool/sterile. but seriously, northern has a near-complete absence of hotness on this campus. if you don't believe me, let's try a little experiment. think of two of your best friends in ada; if both of them are ugly, odds are...so are you.

i've developed two theories to explain the ONU phenomenon:

1. our tour guides are dorky, ugly kids. go to the schools with the hottest student populations and you'll see smoking girls that they flaunt to lure more hot students (ex: miami, UNC, etc.) that's just poor marketing of resources.
2. the second theory postulates that ONU gives a "minority" scholarship for overweight students. said scolarships only require you to be a good student and be 30+ pounds overweight. a nondiscriminating institution, ONU affords thin students the opportunity to earn this scholarship by providing an endless supply of ice cream and cookies in MacIntosh.

i smell conspiracy...is dr. baker trying to make this the ugliest school in america? thank God for good looking people, like me, to balance out all of the uglies; you should be thanking me.

hey chase...

originally posted: july 25, 2007
here are the international rules about starting shit.

1. check to make sure you're actually involved in the situation before throwing yourself, or fists, into said situation.


2. hit like a man and confront the person to their face, because sucker punching people is cheap and automatically makes you a bitch. no one likes a cheap bitch.


3. and don't talk shit and then hide; face the aftermath of your actions. my little sister used to do that when she was like five...and well, i think for the most part only little girls talk shit and then hide. and even she realized that she'd get her's eventually. for example, talking shit and hiding in a bathroom is an an excellent way to look like a five year-old girl.


4. should you start shit like a cheap bitch, don't walk around all hard. anyone can sucker punch anyone. one time, I met corey dillon. as he walked away, i could have easily sucker punched him. however, i know that if i had actually confronted the man and punched him as he saw it coming it would probably work out differently. so, for those of you not connecting the dots, you're not hard if you're a cheap bitch.


5. expect retaliation if you violated any of the above rules. Because if you violated any of these rules, you probably shouldn't have started shit and should have just minded your own business.

hola, me llamo don juan

originally posted: july 19, 2006

i'm beginning to think that i should just stop lying to people when i first meet them by legally changing my name to "don juan" switzer, jr. this way, I'll can remain being called dj by the masses, yet can still tell the anyone stupid enough to believe that's what my real name is.

it would be a unique coversation starter, to say the least..."well i changed it to don juan because i wanted to satisfy my ego by calling myself THE legendary lover. so do you want to make out now or what?"

anyone else liking this idea yet?

all hail lance

originally posted: july 19, 2006
we are witnessing the second coming of Jesus, and he's arriving on a bike in france (of all the places...go figure).

i mean honestly, how can lance armstrong not be the savior? he had cancer in his junk and lungs and brain and has just won his 7th straight tour de france...now that's a miracle. that makes the feeding of 5,000 seem like handing out pre-cooked food from a mcdonald's drive-through.

i heard that Lance wins so easily because he can ride on water, has no testicles to control his normal brain, and cheryl crow(aka mary) sings him to sleep each night of the tour. besides, those "LIVESTRONG" bands are way more popular now than the so-1992 "WWJD" bracelets.

warning: mexican food can be hot

originally posted: june 30, 2007
it blows my mind that, time after time, people come into abuelo's (where i used to work) and ask what items on our menu aren't spicy. honestly, how can you walk into a Mexican restaurant and ask your waiter what food isn't "spicy"? are you kidding!?!?

it's a MEXICAN restaurant and EVERYTHING has spices and peppers in it!!! if you don't like spicy food, eat at applebee's. customers are not always right...however, they are always idiots.

hear this frenchies!

originally posted: june 21, 2007
france...it is time to just shut up. every time you bitch about something that the US goverment does, God moves you farther back in line to the entrance in to Heaven. right now, the entire nation of france lies somewhere in this region:

8,003,405 - mosquitos
8,003,406 - france
8,003,407 - simon cowell
...
9,000,000 - axelson
9,000,001 - french lawyers
9,000,002 - hitler

france, remember who bailed you out of the last two world wars. when germany decides to invade you again (which is only a matter of time because everyone knows how soft you are), don't come crying to us. we'll be too busy easting our "freedom" fries.

i wish i had a stoma

although you don't see it too often, could you imagine the stuff you could have gotten away with as a child with a stoma? (for those of you who are uneducated, a stoma is the hole that people are forced to breathe through if they've had a tracheotomy, throat cancer, etc.)

you could own your entire class by shooting spitballs out of it. no one would finger you as the culprit, because:

1. who rats out the kid with a dissability?
2. all you have to hide is the ammo (easily hid in the mouth, because you can't be asked to talk)
3. have you ever known anyone to shoot a spitball from their stoma?

yah, I didn't think so. You could hide small whistles/kazoos in there, it would drive your parents/teachers/coaches/siblings/etc. so you tell me...wouldn't you like to have one too?

can you feel it? probably not...

originally posted: june 20, 2006
does anyone care about the WNBA?

doctors are liars

originally posted: june 20, 2006
i've found that when you go to the doctor, there is something that the doctor will lie about every time regardless of who the doctor is. whenever you hear the words, "this is going to be a little uncomfortable," what they really mean is, "this shit is gonna HURT!"

liquid nitrogen will hurt; no matter how much the doctor says it will be a little irritating or it might sting a bit, is really really really flippin' cold and it will hurt for days on end, to the point you wish you had amputated the foot instead of having it sprayed on there to get rid of your planter's wart.

for any doctors who may be reading this, if it's going to hurt....tell me it's really really going to hurt. when you don't tell me this and the unbelievable amount of pain compells me to eat your face because you told me it shouldn't hurt much, you can't be mad at me because it's only your fault.